*big sigh*

The only person you should try to be better than is the person you were yesterday
— Matty Mullins

Brothers & Sisters,

This is a new feeling for me. Normally if I go to sleep with something on my mind the next morning I wake up refreshed and clear-headed. Not this morning though. I'm fairly stressed out about the PA Grand Jury report that was released yesterday regarding sexual abuse in the church. So I went to mass this morning in the hopes of getting some quiet time to right myself, much to my dismay that didn't work either. I'd be lying if I said this whole situation didn't rock my faith to the very depths of my heart and soul.

I keep trying to come up with words that can describe how I feel about this whole mess and I can't ever find the right words. Heartbroken? Sure. Sad? Yes. Stressed? Of course. Angry? Absolutely. Ashamed? You got it. Disappointed? Without a doubt. I know I'm in a tough place because as someone who values his time of sitting in silence and being able to still my thoughts I've been completely unable to do this for the past 24+ hours. Silence and contemplation is a major pillar in my life so not being able to get more than a few minutes in is tough.

I keep thinking of all of the victims of abuse at the hands of men who used their power for evil and I get sick to my stomach. My mind then spirals into questions about current seminarians and what they're going through right now and what must be going through their minds. Then I goto the good priests who have been betrayed by their "brothers." The complete loss of trust in the clergy is a tough pill to swallow and while I haven't lost trust in some I can totally understand why some people feel this way.

None of this is ok. People are angry and rightfully so. I don't really know what else to say, my friends. I feel like I have a lot to say but I'm unsure how to say it presently. I'm sad.


Photo by Paul Bulai on Unsplash