I'm a 36 year old IT Manager at a University in Providence, RI who is currently discerning a priestly vocation.

Self-Awareness

Self-Awareness

Yesterday I was clever, so I wanted to change the world. Today I am wise, so I am changing myself.
— Rumi

Brothers & Sisters,

Sometimes I need to write these letters to help myself get over self-imposed hurdles in my life. Yesterday was one such post. As I was getting ready to turn in for the night last night I took a mental inventory as I do every single night. This time though my mind filled up with all sorts of things and I quickly realized something that was defining my entire week. I was allowing all of these outside sources to rule my life for the past few days and I could feel the toxicity of all of that weighing down on me. At some point this week I threw my inner self aside and left myself open to being bent, stretched, pulled, pushed in all sorts of emotional directions that I wasn’t ok with.

I went to bed understanding that I first needed to get a good nights rest, which I did. Secondly, I knew that as soon as I woke up, I had to make some changes to reel some things back in. I had to take charge of myself again, stop allowing people to freely walk all over me, and begin to put up some boundaries. I’m well on my way to accomplishing a majority of these tasks and feel like the train has gotten back on the tracks.

One of the significant things I have noticed is how easy it was for me to drop into this emotionally vulnerable place. There seems to be a point where I let my guard down to the end where I was comfortable operating with my shields down. I’m uncertain where that point was, I’m not going to dwell on it, but rather learn from it and attempt to be more cognizant of when I’m falling into that vulnerable state.

The big learning point for me and something that I probably wouldn’t have done before is that I identified things that were affecting me and then laid out steps to take action on to turn the bus around. I believe that previously I probably would have just let the stream roller continue to flatten me into the ground until I couldn’t take any more. The take away for me was that I don’t have to lose hope or wallow around for a while. No, in fact, I can choose to retake control of my life, make changes, and start improving my life.

Yours,
Jeff

Why

Why

I am tired

I am tired